Hi. Welcome to “After Work”.
a show so poorly written Netflix might just buy it.
I’m your host, Frederico Teixeira.
Grab a snack, get comfortable and say goodbye to your precious brain cells.
If you want to participate, hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org
Why would you do that, though?
People these days.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// SEASON 1 /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #1:
I feel like zombie apocalypses aren’t cool anymore. I’m worried sick, cause that’s the only thing still holding society together. We should do something about this.
Weird Hollywood Pitch #1:
Godzilla and his monster buddies have to protect New York from The Rock and his crew of invading action heroes.
Waste A Minute of Your Life #1:
The year is 3240. Grand Marshal Nathan Blakeney paces back and forth in the command center of his ship, judging with years of trained, military precision, all of the readings coming from the bright green monitor screens. His crew looks at him anxiously, waiting for the signal to fire the sneaky ion cannon shot that would decide the Third Great War between the Ginglorians and the Humans by destroying their invading mothership. His calm, deathlike gaze searches for a visual clue on the horizon.
“It’s all about timing”, he thought.
“One wrong move and it’s all gone. Humanity. Home. My dear Susan. All gone. We can’t miss. I can’t miss.”.
He needs clarity. The silence is deafening. Coffee. That’s it. That will do. Without looking away, his trained hands find a cup. The familiar grip and the toasted scent slowly climbs his nostrils. This decision craves a sip.
“Damn it, Steve, I said decaf!”, he screams and slams the pannel in front of him.
A button is pressed and the ion cannon fires. The shot goes wide right and the Ginglorians detect their position.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #2:
Lionel Richie is hurt and you can tell.
Browser Tab #1:
I’m a hardcore Star Wars fan, but look at this fight scene. Geez. It’s Star Wars, guys, raise the bar a little bit.
Would you Rather #1:
Receive a love letter from YOUR HOLLYWOOD CRUSH or get evidence that the Bigfoot is happily married with an elderly lady from Montana?
Pro Tip #1:
Never trust your creative projects to people whose favorite ice cream isn’t pistacchio.
Kickass CopywritERS I Envy – Peter Rosch #1
I remember her.
Not a girl, but the girl.
The brains behind the all time top ten comic book vixens only wish they could conjure a siren the likes of Susan Glenn.
Beneath my feet, my own private earthquake registered an eight when Susan Glenn was near.
In her presence, all was beautiful before she arrived turned grotesque and in her shadows others became goblinesque.
If she approached, Susan Glenn didn’t walk.
She floated, accompanied by Pyrotechnics spectacles that left me feeling a foot tall.
She embodied every desirable quality I have ever wanted.
In my mind, I was a peasant before a queen.
And so, Susan Glenn and I were never a thing.
If I could do it again, I’d do it differently.
Browser Tab #2:
I’ve been binge watching Youtube for stuff with nature on it. Like this. Or this. But I stumbled upon this. I mean, you could build an entire armada of Death Stars with materials from his gigantic set of titanium balls. This isn’t fair.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #3:
Bananas are god’s best design work. They are functional as hell, highly nutritious and serve a multitude of purposes. Some of them sexual, which is great. If god wrote a case study about it to compete at award shows, he would be among the top 10 most awarded creatives in the world. Like, totally.
Pro Tip #2:
If you are netflix and chilling, don’t put on Brooklyn 99, cause its actually pretty great.
Browser Tab #3:
Hey, member when Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee bowled together? Yeah, I member.
Weird Hollywood Pitch #2:
Adam Sandler is a disgraced Adam Sandler that has to figure life as Adam Sandler, until he meets Adam Sandler, falls in love and discovers his one true passion: Adam Sandler.
Would you Rather #2:
Be the next Batman (and after Affleck, you will be worshiped), discover Alien life or go back in time (but you can stay only one day)?
Pro Tip #3:
Don’t be a short guy on Tinder, cause it won’t work out well for you. Be tall and handsome.
Waste A Minute of Your Life #2:
“Batman, the situation is pretty dire”
a harsh voice sounded off over the communication device.
“Joker and his lackeys are gathering strength to strike soon and we must be ready for them”.
After a couple seconds of silence, the answer came.
“I’ll run some scans and gather intel. Meanwhile, scour the streets and see if you can find something. They must targeting the City Hall, somehow.”
“Okay Batman, will do, but one more thing…”.
Suddenly, a voice interrumpts them both:
“ANDREW, GET YO ASS OFF THE PHONE AND COME EAT DINNER! I AINT ASKING AGAIN”.
Kickass CopywritER I Envy – Caleb Jensen #2
It’s just something we made up.
Somehow, we’ve come to believe greatness is a gift, reserved for a chosen few.
And the rest of us can only standby watching.
You can forget that.
Greatness is not some rare DNA strand.
It’s not some precious thing.
Greatness is no more unique to us than breathing.
We’re all capable of it.
All of us.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #4:
I wonder if ALL great PEOPLE from centuries past also had work/life balance problems.
Pro Tip #4:
Relying on bed time epiphanies is a bad idea.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #5:
The major reason why Ping Pong is such an awesome sport is because its called Ping Pong.
Would you Rather #3:
get courtside seats at every sportING event for free until you die or punch anyone in the face twice without consequences?
Weird Hollywood Pitch #3:
The world is overrun by sugar rushed kids AND the task of organizing a last stand falls on Denzel Washington and Chris Rock, two disgraced CHESS players.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #6
I think about stupid, dumb things all the time. I wonder if the greatest people in history also did that. Not that I consider myself to be one of the greatest people in history. Yet.
Would you Rather #4:
Be the best piano player in the world for a day, be a Slash-level guitarist for a week or play the bass horribly for a Van Halen tribute band but you get LAID A LOT?
Kickass CopywritER I Envy – Renwick McAslan #3
Normal is boring.
Don’t let boring become normal.
Why settle for standard when you can set all the standards?
Stand up when others stand down?
Bring your next step to where we stand now
And if you’re asked to stand in then stand out.
Be the one that others want to stand around.
Don’t be chameleons when you can be komodo dragons.
You can’t stay see through forever
Learn that from Frodo Baggins
You can fit with the rhythm till the toes are tapping
Or stop the music all together then see what happens
Because not everybody loves change but everybody sees it
Not everybody gets change but everybody needs it
Just because it’s comfortable just because its easy
We don’t have to be like what we see on the TV
It takes bravery to behave very different
It takes courage to encourage something new
It’s a hardy decision not to rest on your laurels
But once the work is put in then that’s when you see the proof
When you’re younger sticking out makes it harder at school
They teach that blending in enhances your chances of cool
Yet the black sheep’s the one that they ask for the wool
So I hit them with a yessir, three bags full
You cannot make a difference if indiferent
We as dreamers need to put the IF in different
You never get ahead if you step at a set pace
But if you give a little more that’s when you expect change
A lot of dishes like to simmer with a similar pan
But there is going with the flow and there’s giving a damn
You can’t grab people’ attention if you sit on your hands
Sometimes it takes a lightbulb to switch up the plan.
The ugly duckling realized something wasn’t quite how it was billed
Sitting on the fence is what got humpty dumpty killed
The chicken crossed the road cause it got bored of facing the same
And throwing stones in glass houses is what breaks through the pain
You don’t need to be loud to stand from the crowd
You can be the one that people want to listen to
And if you have the audacity to have people listen
You better make sure you have something to say
Because no amount of oil will ever change the system
But a spanner in the works might just make it brilliant
If you want to make it worth then try and make it
Pro Tip #5:
Plan ahead whenever you feel the slight chance of getting FRISKY. Or else, Thanos will be here soon.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #7:
I wonder if people ever take off their masks. All of them. I highly doubt it.
Browser Tab #4:
This is how you write sports news.
Weird Hollywood Pitch #4:
A group of superheroes battle an overwhelming alien force anD the ensuing battle destroys half of New York, prompting a public prosecutor played by Keanu Reeves to sue them on extensive property damage charges.
Waste A Minute of Your Life #3:
RYAN THOUGHT as he put on his helmet. His jersey, reading #10 Blanchard, was mud stained to a legendary degree. The 17 year old highschooler was Whitehall High secret weapon and the most celebrated quarterback in school history. The Tigers were down 6 and needed a touchdown on the last drive. His teammates were confident and grinning as he entered the huddle.
“Okay guys, this is it. Spider-Y-2-Banana on 3. Break”.
The play started and went for a 26 yard gain.
Another play ensued: a bootleg culminating on a 37 yard bomb.
Only 19 yards to go - 0:17 on the clock.
Snap, sack, timeout.
Second down: snap, run, timeout.
14 yards, third down. Something inside him was beating hard.
“Okay guys, ergh…”. Deshawn Higgleberry, his favorite target, noticed his quarterback discomfort
“Yo, Ryan, you ok bro?”.
He mustered ALL OF HIS confidence to answer.
“Yeah, im oh…”
MID-SENTENCE, THE CROWD ECHOED A BIG FAT “EEEEEEWWWWW” as A DISGUSTING SCENE UNFOLDED.
THE PLAY WOULD BE HENCEFORTH KNOWN AS “THE DUMP”.