Frederico Teixeira
 

Hi. Welcome to “After Work”.

a show so poorly written Netflix might just buy it.

I’m your host, Frederico Teixeira.

Grab a snack, get comfortable and say goodbye to your precious brain cells

If you want to participate, hit me up at fredericoteixeira@outlook.com

Why would you do that, though?

People these days.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// SEASON 1 /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #1:

I feel like zombie apocalypses aren’t cool anymore. I’m worried sick, cause that’s the only thing still holding society together. We should do something about this.

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #1: 

Godzilla and his monster buddies have to protect New York from The Rock and his crew of invading action heroes.

 

--

 

Waste A Minute of Your Life #1:

The year is 3240. Grand Marshal Nathan Blakeney paces back and forth in the command center of his ship, judging with years of trained, military precision, all of the readings coming from the bright green monitor screens. His crew looks at him anxiously, waiting for the signal to fire the sneaky ion cannon shot that would decide the Third Great War between the Ginglorians and the Humans by destroying their invading mothership. His calm, deathlike gaze searches for a visual clue on the horizon.

“It’s all about timing”, he thought.

“One wrong move and it’s all gone. Humanity. Home. My dear Susan. All gone. We can’t miss. I can’t miss.”.

He needs clarity. The silence is deafening. Coffee. That’s it. That will do. Without looking away, his trained hands find a cup. The familiar grip and the toasted scent slowly climbs his nostrils. This decision craves a sip.

“Damn it, Steve, I said decaf!”, he screams and slams the pannel in front of him.

A button is pressed and the ion cannon fires. The shot goes wide right and the Ginglorians detect their position.

“Thanks, Steve.”

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #2:

Lionel Richie is hurt and you can tell. 

 

--

 

Browser Tab #1:

I’m a hardcore Star Wars fan, but look at this fight scene. Geez. It’s Star Wars, guys, raise the bar a little bit.

 

--

 

Would you Rather #1:

Receive a love letter from YOUR HOLLYWOOD CRUSH or get evidence that the Bigfoot is happily married with an elderly lady from Montana?

 

--

 

Pro Tip #1:

Never trust your creative projects to people whose favorite ice cream isn’t pistacchio. 

 

--

 

Kickass CopywritERS I Envy – Peter Rosch #1

I remember her.

Not a girl, but the girl.

The brains behind the all time top ten comic book vixens only wish they could conjure a siren the likes of Susan Glenn.

Beneath my feet, my own private earthquake registered an eight when Susan Glenn was near.

In her presence, all was beautiful before she arrived turned grotesque and in her shadows others became goblinesque.

If she approached, Susan Glenn didn’t walk.

She floated, accompanied by Pyrotechnics spectacles that left me feeling a foot tall.

She embodied every desirable quality I have ever wanted.

In my mind, I was a peasant before a queen.

And so, Susan Glenn and I were never a thing.

If I could do it again, I’d do it differently.

 

--

 

Browser Tab #2:

I’ve been binge watching Youtube for stuff with nature on it. Like this. Or this. But I stumbled upon this. I mean, you could build an entire armada of Death Stars with materials from his gigantic set of titanium balls. This isn’t fair.

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #3:

Bananas are god’s best design work. They are functional as hell, highly nutritious and serve a multitude of purposes. Some of them sexual, which is great. If god wrote a case study about it to compete at award shows, he would be among the top 10 most awarded creatives in the world. Like, totally.

 

--

 

Pro Tip #2:

If you are netflix and chilling, don’t put on Brooklyn 99, cause its actually pretty great.

 

--

 

Browser Tab #3:

Hey, member when Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee bowled together? Yeah, I member.

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #2: 

Adam Sandler is a disgraced Adam Sandler that has to figure life as Adam Sandler, until he meets Adam Sandler, falls in love and discovers his one true passion: Adam Sandler. 

 

--

 

Would you Rather #2:

Be the next Batman (and after Affleck, you will be worshiped), discover Alien life or go back in time (but you can stay only one day)?

 

--

 

Pro Tip #3:

Don’t be a short guy on Tinder, cause it won’t work out well for you. Be tall and handsome.

 

--

 

Waste A Minute of Your Life #2:

“Batman, the situation is pretty dire”

a harsh voice sounded off over the communication device.

“Joker and his lackeys are gathering strength to strike soon and we must be ready for them”.

After a couple seconds of silence, the answer came.

“I’ll run some scans and gather intel. Meanwhile, scour the streets and see if you can find something. They must targeting the City Hall, somehow.”

Robin agreed.

“Okay Batman, will do, but one more thing…”.

Suddenly, a voice interrumpts them both:

“ANDREW, GET YO ASS OFF THE PHONE AND COME EAT DINNER! I AINT ASKING AGAIN”.

 

--

 

Kickass CopywritER I Envy – Caleb Jensen #2

Greatness.

It’s just something we made up.

Somehow, we’ve come to believe greatness is a gift, reserved for a chosen few.

For prodigies.

For superstars.

And the rest of us can only standby watching.

You can forget that.

Greatness is not some rare DNA strand.

It’s not some precious thing.

Greatness is no more unique to us than breathing.

We’re all capable of it.

All of us.

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #4:

I wonder if ALL great PEOPLE from centuries past also had work/life balance problems.

 

--

 

Pro Tip #4:

Relying on bed time epiphanies is a bad idea.

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #5:

The major reason why Ping Pong is such an awesome sport is because its called Ping Pong.

 

--

 

Would you Rather #3:

get courtside seats at every sportING event for free until you die or punch anyone in the face twice without consequences?

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #3: 

The world is overrun by sugar rushed kids AND the task of organizing a last stand falls on Denzel Washington and Chris Rock, two disgraced CHESS players.

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #6

I think about stupid, dumb things all the time. I wonder if the greatest people in history also did that. Not that I consider myself to be one of the greatest people in history. Yet.

 

--

 

Would you Rather #4:

Be the best piano player in the world for a day, be a Slash-level guitarist for a week or play the bass horribly for a Van Halen tribute band but you get LAID A LOT?

 

--

 

Kickass CopywritER I Envy – Renwick McAslan #3

Normal is boring.

Don’t let boring become normal.

Why settle for standard when you can set all the standards?

Stand up when others stand down?

Bring your next step to where we stand now 

And if you’re asked to stand in then stand out.

Be the one that others want to stand around.

Don’t be chameleons when you can be komodo dragons.

You can’t stay see through forever

Learn that from Frodo Baggins

You can fit with the rhythm till the toes are tapping 

Or stop the music all together then see what happens

Because not everybody loves change but everybody sees it

Not everybody gets change but everybody needs it

Just because it’s comfortable just because its easy

We don’t have to be like what we see on the TV

It takes bravery to behave very different

It takes courage to encourage something new

It’s a hardy decision not to rest on your laurels

But once the work is put in then that’s when you see the proof

When you’re younger sticking out makes it harder at school

They teach that blending in enhances your chances of cool

Yet the black sheep’s the one that they ask for the wool

So I hit them with a yessir, three bags full

You cannot make a difference if indiferent

We as dreamers need to put the IF in different

You never get ahead if you step at a set pace

But if you give a little more that’s when you expect change

A lot of dishes like to simmer with a similar pan 

But there is going with the flow and there’s giving a damn 

You can’t grab people’ attention if you sit on your hands 

Sometimes it takes a lightbulb to switch up the plan.

The ugly duckling realized something wasn’t quite how it was billed

Sitting on the fence is what got humpty dumpty killed

The chicken crossed the road cause it got bored of facing the same

And throwing stones in glass houses is what breaks through the pain

You don’t need to be loud to stand from the crowd

You can be the one that people want to listen to

And if you have the audacity to have people listen

You better make sure you have something to say

Because no amount of oil will ever change the system

But a spanner in the works might just make it brilliant

If you want to make it worth then try and make it

Different

 

--

 

Pro Tip #5:

Plan ahead whenever you feel the slight chance of getting FRISKY. Or else, Thanos will be here soon.

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #7:

I wonder if people ever take off their masks. All of them. I highly doubt it.

 

--

 

Browser Tab #4:

This is how you write sports news.

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #4: 

A group of superheroes battle an overwhelming alien force anD the ensuing battle destroys half of New York, prompting a public prosecutor played by Keanu Reeves to sue them on extensive property damage charges.

 

--

 

Waste A Minute of Your Life #3:

“It’s time”

RYAN THOUGHT as he put on his helmet. His jersey, reading #10 Blanchard, was mud stained to a legendary degree. The 17 year old highschooler was Whitehall High secret weapon and the most celebrated quarterback in school history. The Tigers were down 6 and needed a touchdown on the last drive. His teammates were confident and grinning as he entered the huddle.

“Okay guys, this is it. Spider-Y-2-Banana on 3. Break”.

The play started and went for a 26 yard gain.

Another play ensued: a bootleg culminating on a 37 yard bomb.

Only 19 yards to go - 0:17 on the clock.

Snap, sack, timeout.

Second down: snap, run, timeout.

14 yards, third down. Something inside him was beating hard.

“Okay guys, ergh…”. Deshawn Higgleberry, his favorite target, noticed his quarterback discomfort

“Yo, Ryan, you ok bro?”.

He mustered ALL OF HIS confidence to answer.

“Yeah, im oh…”

MID-SENTENCE, THE CROWD ECHOED A BIG FAT “EEEEEEWWWWW” as A DISGUSTING SCENE UNFOLDED.

 THE PLAY WOULD BE HENCEFORTH KNOWN AS “THE DUMP”.

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #8:

Do people that get around on helicopters on a daily basis save money WITH COUPONS like we mortals do?

 

--

 

Browser Tab #5:

She plays higher than 60fps. I mean, come on.

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #9:

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt

 

--

 

Pro Tip #6:

You can actually microwave bread as makeshift pizza, but there is a thin line between it becoming DELICIOUS or a mushy, disgusting mass of whatever. THE THRESHOLD WITH my microwave is 16 seconds.

 

--

 

Would you Rather #5:

join Tenacious D or have Daft Punk play on your next birthday?

 

--

 

Kickass CopywritER I Envy – Tom Carty #4

He waits.

Its what he does.

And I’ll tell you what.

Tic follow toc follow tic follow toc follow tic.

Hey Ahab, I don’t care who you are, here’s to your dream!

The old sailors returned to the bar:

Here’s to you, Ahab!

And the phat drummer hit the beat with all his heart.

*Sips* 

Ahh… 

*Noise of glass on the table*

Here’s to waiting.

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #5: 

The entire population of Bikini Bottom is brutally murdered and its up to Spongebob Squarepants to go on a bloody rampage to avenge his friends. Voiced by Kevin Hart.

 

--

 

Pro Tip #7:

If you are supporting brazil at the world cup, you’re going to have a bad time.

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #10:

JUST IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE THINKING OF THAT PERFECT RESPONSE DURING THE ACTUAL ARGUMENT AND NOT HOURS LATER. tHAT WOULD BE DOPE.

 




///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// SEASON 2 /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #11:

If 40 is the new 30, when 10 becomes the new 0, are we going to break space time continuum?

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #12:

Damn, #11 was dumb. Am I dumb?

 

--

 

Fred’s Dating Life Update #1:

That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.

 

--

 

Culturally Aware Brazilian Insult of the Day #1:

Arrombado”.

Meaning: a person with below average control of his tooshie

How to use it in a sentence: “HEY, YOU ARROMBADO”

 

--

 

Kickass Copywriter I Envy – Tony Brignull #5

Rediscover the lost art of the insult

Do you know plumbers who never turn-up?

Hairdressers who missed their vocations as butchers?

Drycleaners who make your stains disappear – and your clothes with them?

Today, we at Parker give you the chance to get your own back.

Not only we are offering a beautiful new pen called the Laque which owes its deep lustre to a Chinese technique 2000 years old, but we are attempting to revive something that went out when the telephone came in: 

The well-aimed, witty, malicious dart.

Imagine yourself, for example, in a quiet room, a sheet of pristine notepaper before you and your Parker Laque poised like a javelin.

How about this to the dustman who keeps spilling litter down your steps:

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine, blind, illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can’t find you with a telescope.

A good, old Irish curse and already you’re feeling better. Now for the book club that won’t stop sending you junk mail. With gleaming wet words you see the Laque effortlessly transcribe your wrath into a death blow: 

You louse in the locks of literature.

A nice bit of alliteration borrowed from Tennyson but they won’t know that.

While you’re at it, how about a post card to an airline that’s lost your bags.

You have delusions of adequacy.

Or to a chef who nearly poisoned you:

Two partridges, ill trussed and worse roasted… an old hare newly killed and poorly stuffed; celery and some other trash; in short, a very poor performance.

You might say with some justification that you don’t need a gold nibbled pen costing $34 to write a decent insult, even if the nib is so symmetrical you can use both sides of it.

We can only answer that just as a beautifully made car tempts you to drive so a perfectly engineered pen tempts you to write.

Try this on the old bore who keeps asking you your opinion of his literary works:

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part this is good is not original and the part this is original is not good.

But you can knock spots off these hacks, surely.

Come on, get yourself a Parker Laque and let it rip.

Someone, somewhere deserves a real stinker from you.

 

--

 

Interview Speed Run #1 with Special Guest Gabriel Padilha - COPYWRITER @ GREY BRAZIL

 
gabriel.PNG
 

--

 

Browser Tab #6:

If God has a voice, it’s this one.

 

--

 

Pro Tip #8:

Working early is low-key the new working late.

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #6: 

Four animals discover human ruins in the jungle, when a device mistakenly transfers their conscience to the bodies of four B-list Hollywood celebrities starring in Jumanji 47: Circus of Fools.

 

--

 

Would you Rather #6:

Eat a Mike Tyson haymaker to the face or get tackled by Dick Butkus in his prime?

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #13:

When is the new Rick & Morty season dropping? Are these dudes doing Velocitinis and slacking off? God, I hope they do. Scripts would be dope.

 

--

 

Waste A Minute of Your Life #4:

His palms are sweaty, his mom’s spaghetti.

Haha, jk.

His palms are sweaty, but the young man grabs his phone and decides to man up.

“It’s time. She needs to know”.

He says it a couple times aloud, as to convince himself.

Would his best friend and crush reciprocate his feelings?

His fingers type while this doubt creeps in his mind.

“I think… I think I love you.’’

Send.

“Damn, there’s no turning back now.”

He waits.

A couple of blocks away, Anna’s phone vibrates.

“Babe, somebody’s messaging you”.

“Who said you could take the gag out?”

 

--

 

Browser Tab #7:

Here’s a jap chae recipe. You’re welcome.

 

--

 

Pro Tip #9:

The key to self-motivation is forgetting where you put your car keys.

 

--

 

Fred’s Dating Life Update #2:

He might need a six pack, Cotton. The one with alcohol.

 

--

 

Culturally Aware Brazilian Insult of the Day #2:

Não fode

Meaning: would you be so kind as to try real hard not to ruin this for me, will you?

How to use it in a sentence: “HEY, NÃO FODE”

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #14:

Name a better duo than competitive apnea freediving and EROTIC asphyxiatION. I’ll wait.

 

--

 

Interview Speed Run #2 with Special Guest Tatchie Blois-Green - ART DIRECTOR @ MULLEN US

 
tatchie.PNG
 

--

 

Would you Rather #7:

Rejuvenate the cast of Friends 30 years paving the way for a reunion or delete 3 series of your choice from your memory so you can rewatch them with first-time jitters?

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #7: 

A Triceratops goes forward in time to warn humans that they too will be wiped out by a meteor, but when the Dino falls in love with a bookshop owner played by Jennifer Anniston, he must choose between love and destiny.

 

--

 

Pro Tip #10:

The moment you allow yourself to believe that your portfolio/book isn’t a pile of crap, it will actually be a pile of crap. 

 

--

 

Kickass Copywriter I Envy – Richard Foster #6

Would you like a martini with your olive?

The Queen olive is twice as big as commoner olives.

And, some would say, twice as delicious.

Its flesh is plump, but firm, with a luscious fruitiness that makes it the perfect appetizer (with or without the martini).

Like all Sainsbury’s Spanish olives, our Queen olives come from Seville, the most renowned olive-growing district in Spain.

We also sell the more familiar Manzanilla olives, either whole, pitted, stuffed (with pimiento or almonds) or marinated (in olive oil with garlic and chilli or with herbs).

All these olives are green olives, but our range would be incomplete without the black variety.

Hence Sainsbury’s Calamata and Hojiblanca olives.

The Calamatas come from Greece, where they are usually to be found adorning the classic feta salad.

Hojiblancas are stronger in flavor that their green cousins, which makes them the perfect partner to paella or pizza.

As you may have guessed by now, Sainsbury’s offer a wider range of olives than any other supermarket.

So, if you want the choice of choicest olives, choose Sainsbury’s.

 

--

 

Fred’s Dating Life Update #3:

Our boy has purchased real estate in the friend zone, Cotton. Looking good.

 

--

 

Culturally Aware Brazilian Insult of the Day #3:

Tomanocu, rapa

Meaning: Would you kindly excuse yourself from my presence and go to the most unpleasant place you possibly can, gentleman?

How to use it in a sentence: “HEY, TOMANOCU RAPA”

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #15:

Psychologists are basically electricians.

 

--

 

Browser Tab #8:

This is hands down the most amazing picture ever taken.

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #8: 

Tom Cruise plays a stunt double. That’s it. That’s the joke.

 

--

 

Waste A Minute of Your Life #5:

“I fucking hate this planet” said Hulakmeryxion to himself.

Or Stevie, his undercover human alias.

The alien spy had recently picked up this strange human habit of talking to himself.

“Two years in this shit hole… Can’t stand it anymore” There was two more to go. But it felt more like 200.

His mission was simple: blend in, gather intel and report his findings. The upper ranks of the Federation wanted to annex Earth, and it was his job to check if it was worth it. 

“Perfect planet to test bombs, unsuitable for anything else.” Stevie wrote in a piece of paper at his desk. 

His fake human job was Junior Accountant. 

“Yes. That might be my report opener”, he thought. “Gotta finish this first, tho”.

Mr.Rogers wanted his stupid accounting report at his desk by 5pm.

“What time is it?”. 5:01 pm.

A thundering voice echoed from down the corridor.

“STEVIE, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? In my office, NOW”

With a weary sigh and Mandy’s comforting wink from across his cubicle, he stood up.

“Yes, Mr. Rogers. I’m on my way”.

Soon.

 

--

 

Waste A Minute of Your Life #6:

The zombie outbreak felt like yesterday. But it’s been already 6 months.

By now, most people had perished. Not Ash and Jake. They were survivors.

“Let’s check that house over there, bro” Ash said. 

They crouched though a little crevice on the kitchen wall and a walker noticed them instantly. 

Knifed in the eye.

“It’s getting dark, let’s make this quick” urged Jake. He wasn’t the nervous type. He was just hungry.

Ash nodded. “You check these rooms over here, I’ll check upstairs”.

Couple minutes later, Jake was done. Two packs of cigarettes, a rusty .45 and whisky. No food. 

He climbed the stairs to alert Ash and get the hell out of there. 

But something smells different.

“Ash?” he asked. Four steps later, he saw it. Chew, chew, chew, chew.

The pistol came out of his holster in a flash.

“Drop the Snickers bar, brother.”

 

--

 

Fred’s Dating Life Update #4:

Fred has been browsing tattoo ideas on Pinterest, Cotton. The intervention time draws near.

 

--

 

Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #16:

The DVD logo corner suspense is a criminally underrated form of entertainment.

 

--

 

Pro Tip #11:

Everyone has an opinion, until it must become a decision. 

 

--

 

Browser Tab #9:

Best scene ever written.

 

--

 

Culturally Aware Brazilian Insult of the Day #4:

“Porra nenhuma”

Meaning: In fact, there can be little to no possibility of this happening, I’m sorry to inform you.

How to use it in a sentence: “HEY, PORRA NENHUMA”

 

--

 

Would You Rather #8: 

Know for certain there’s a heaven and you’re going there or live an additional 100 years, but you can’t be sure?

 

--

 

Weird Hollywood Pitch #9: 

Rocky Balboa creates an underground fight ring for seniors in the basement of his retirement home, out of boredom. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

 

--

 

Kickass Copywriter I Envy – Tim Gordon #7

Backspin on a work table under a bad light

A kiss of the eight ball, a bank off the six

Double bowl on a single throw, three pints in

Picking up a spare on the final frame

Singing on key, off key and losing keys.

Steady hands, blurry eyes.

Bars, billiards, basements, bacon sandwiches with extra hot sauce.

Surviving buzz kills, third wheels, cock blocks and cabs in the rain.

Finish last, drawn by dawn.

There are the providence of the After Hours Athlete.

When last call calls, don’t answer it.

The night too is for sport and they are the champions.

 

--

 

Browser Tab #10:

Bach wrote this when he arrived from a long voyage and discovered that his wife had passed away. It’s considered the most complex and deep classical composition ever.

 

--

 

Browser Tab #11:

That previous entry was too intellectual for this show. So, here’s the dumbest thing on the internet.

--

 

Fred’s Dating Life Update #5:

He’s on Tinder install/uninstall #47, Cotton. The “Julia Roberts on the library” thing should be happening anytime now.