a show so poorly written Netflix might just buy it.
I’m your host, Frederico Teixeira.
Grab a snack, get comfortable and say goodbye to your precious brain cells
If you want to participate, hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org
Why would you do that, though?
People these days.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// SEASON 1 /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #1:
I feel like zombie apocalypses aren’t cool anymore. I’m worried sick, cause that’s the only thing still holding society together. We should do something about this.
Weird Hollywood Pitch #1:
Godzilla and his monster buddies have to protect New York from The Rock and his crew of invading action heroes.
Waste A Minute of Your Life #1:
The year is 3240. Grand Marshal Nathan Blakeney paces back and forth in the command center of his ship, judging with years of trained, military precision, all of the readings coming from the bright green monitor screens. His crew looks at him anxiously, waiting for the signal to fire the sneaky ion cannon shot that would decide the Third Great War between the Ginglorians and the Humans by destroying their invading mothership. His calm, deathlike gaze searches for a visual clue on the horizon.
“It’s all about timing”, he thought.
“One wrong move and it’s all gone. Humanity. Home. My dear Susan. All gone. We can’t miss. I can’t miss.”.
He needs clarity. The silence is deafening. Coffee. That’s it. That will do. Without looking away, his trained hands find a cup. The familiar grip and the toasted scent slowly climbs his nostrils. This decision craves a sip.
“Damn it, Steve, I said decaf!”, he screams and slams the pannel in front of him.
A button is pressed and the ion cannon fires. The shot goes wide right and the Ginglorians detect their position.
Receive a love letter from YOUR HOLLYWOOD CRUSH or get evidence that the Bigfoot is happily married with an elderly lady from Montana?
Pro Tip #1:
Never trust your creative projects to people whose favorite ice cream isn’t pistacchio.
Kickass CopywritERS I Envy – Peter Rosch #1
I remember her.
Not a girl, but the girl.
The brains behind the all time top ten comic book vixens only wish they could conjure a siren the likes of Susan Glenn.
Beneath my feet, my own private earthquake registered an eight when Susan Glenn was near.
In her presence, all was beautiful before she arrived turned grotesque and in her shadows others became goblinesque.
If she approached, Susan Glenn didn’t walk.
She floated, accompanied by Pyrotechnics spectacles that left me feeling a foot tall.
She embodied every desirable quality I have ever wanted.
In my mind, I was a peasant before a queen.
And so, Susan Glenn and I were never a thing.
If I could do it again, I’d do it differently.
Browser Tab #2:
I’ve been binge watching Youtube for stuff with nature on it. Like this. Or this. But I stumbled upon this. I mean, you could build an entire armada of Death Stars with materials from his gigantic set of titanium balls. This isn’t fair.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #3:
Bananas are god’s best design work. They are functional as hell, highly nutritious and serve a multitude of purposes. Some of them sexual, which is great. If god wrote a case study about it to compete at award shows, he would be among the top 10 most awarded creatives in the world. Like, totally.
Pro Tip #2:
If you are netflix and chilling, don’t put on Brooklyn 99, cause its actually pretty great.
A group of superheroes battle an overwhelming alien force anD the ensuing battle destroys half of New York, prompting a public prosecutor played by Keanu Reeves to sue them on extensive property damage charges.
Waste A Minute of Your Life #3:
RYAN THOUGHT as he put on his helmet. His jersey, reading #10 Blanchard, was mud stained to a legendary degree. The 17 year old highschooler was Whitehall High secret weapon and the most celebrated quarterback in school history. The Tigers were down 6 and needed a touchdown on the last drive. His teammates were confident and grinning as he entered the huddle.
“Okay guys, this is it. Spider-Y-2-Banana on 3. Break”.
The play started and went for a 26 yard gain.
Another play ensued: a bootleg culminating on a 37 yard bomb.
Only 19 yards to go - 0:17 on the clock.
Snap, sack, timeout.
Second down: snap, run, timeout.
14 yards, third down. Something inside him was beating hard.
“Okay guys, ergh…”. Deshawn Higgleberry, his favorite target, noticed his quarterback discomfort
“Yo, Ryan, you ok bro?”.
He mustered ALL OF HIS confidence to answer.
“Yeah, im oh…”
MID-SENTENCE, THE CROWD ECHOED A BIG FAT “EEEEEEWWWWW” as A DISGUSTING SCENE UNFOLDED.
THE PLAY WOULD BE HENCEFORTH KNOWN AS “THE DUMP”.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #8:
Do people that get around on helicopters on a daily basis save money WITH COUPONS like we mortals do?
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt
Pro Tip #6:
You can actually microwave bread as makeshift pizza, but there is a thin line between it becoming DELICIOUS or a mushy, disgusting mass of whatever. THE THRESHOLD WITH my microwave is 16 seconds.
Would you Rather #5:
join Tenacious D or have Daft Punk play on your next birthday?
Kickass CopywritER I Envy – Tom Carty #4
Its what he does.
And I’ll tell you what.
Tic follow toc follow tic follow toc follow tic.
Hey Ahab, I don’t care who you are, here’s to your dream!
The old sailors returned to the bar:
Here’s to you, Ahab!
And the phat drummer hit the beat with all his heart.
*Noise of glass on the table*
Here’s to waiting.
Weird Hollywood Pitch #5:
The entire population of Bikini Bottom is brutally murdered and its up to Spongebob Squarepants to go on a bloody rampage to avenge his friends. Voiced by Kevin Hart.
Pro Tip #7:
If you are supporting brazil at the world cup, you’re going to have a bad time.
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #10:
JUST IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE THINKING OF THAT PERFECT RESPONSE DURING THE ACTUAL ARGUMENT AND NOT HOURS LATER. tHAT WOULD BE DOPE.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// SEASON 2 /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #11:
If 40 is the new 30, when 10 becomes the new 0, are we going to break space time continuum?
Stuff my Brain has to Deal With #12:
Damn, #11 was dumb. Am I dumb?
Fred’s Dating Life Update #1:
That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.
Culturally Aware Brazilian Insult of the Day #1:
Meaning: a person with below average control of his tooshie
How to use it in a sentence: “HEY, YOU ARROMBADO”
Kickass Copywriter I Envy – Tony Brignull #5
Rediscover the lost art of the insult
Do you know plumbers who never turn-up?
Hairdressers who missed their vocations as butchers?
Drycleaners who make your stains disappear – and your clothes with them?
Today, we at Parker give you the chance to get your own back.
Not only we are offering a beautiful new pen called the Laque which owes its deep lustre to a Chinese technique 2000 years old, but we are attempting to revive something that went out when the telephone came in:
The well-aimed, witty, malicious dart.
Imagine yourself, for example, in a quiet room, a sheet of pristine notepaper before you and your Parker Laque poised like a javelin.
How about this to the dustman who keeps spilling litter down your steps:
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine, blind, illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can’t find you with a telescope.
A good, old Irish curse and already you’re feeling better. Now for the book club that won’t stop sending you junk mail. With gleaming wet words you see the Laque effortlessly transcribe your wrath into a death blow:
You louse in the locks of literature.
A nice bit of alliteration borrowed from Tennyson but they won’t know that.
While you’re at it, how about a post card to an airline that’s lost your bags.
You have delusions of adequacy.
Or to a chef who nearly poisoned you:
Two partridges, ill trussed and worse roasted… an old hare newly killed and poorly stuffed; celery and some other trash; in short, a very poor performance.
You might say with some justification that you don’t need a gold nibbled pen costing $34 to write a decent insult, even if the nib is so symmetrical you can use both sides of it.
We can only answer that just as a beautifully made car tempts you to drive so a perfectly engineered pen tempts you to write.
Try this on the old bore who keeps asking you your opinion of his literary works:
Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part this is good is not original and the part this is original is not good.
But you can knock spots off these hacks, surely.
Come on, get yourself a Parker Laque and let it rip.
Someone, somewhere deserves a real stinker from you.
Interview Speed Run #1 with Special GuestGabriel Padilha - COPYWRITER @ GREY BRAZIL
Rejuvenate the cast of Friends 30 years paving the way for a reunion or delete 3 series of your choice from your memory so you can rewatch them with first-time jitters?
Weird Hollywood Pitch #7:
A Triceratops goes forward in time to warn humans that they too will be wiped out by a meteor, but when the Dino falls in love with a bookshop owner played by Jennifer Anniston, he must choose between love and destiny.
Pro Tip #10:
The moment you allow yourself to believe that your portfolio/book isn’t a pile of crap, it will actually be a pile of crap.
Kickass Copywriter I Envy – Richard Foster #6
Would you like a martini with your olive?
The Queen olive is twice as big as commoner olives.
And, some would say, twice as delicious.
Its flesh is plump, but firm, with a luscious fruitiness that makes it the perfect appetizer (with or without the martini).
Like all Sainsbury’s Spanish olives, our Queen olives come from Seville, the most renowned olive-growing district in Spain.
We also sell the more familiar Manzanilla olives, either whole, pitted, stuffed (with pimiento or almonds) or marinated (in olive oil with garlic and chilli or with herbs).
All these olives are green olives, but our range would be incomplete without the black variety.
Hence Sainsbury’s Calamata and Hojiblanca olives.
The Calamatas come from Greece, where they are usually to be found adorning the classic feta salad.
Hojiblancas are stronger in flavor that their green cousins, which makes them the perfect partner to paella or pizza.
As you may have guessed by now, Sainsbury’s offer a wider range of olives than any other supermarket.
So, if you want the choice of choicest olives, choose Sainsbury’s.
Fred’s Dating Life Update #3:
Our boy has purchased real estate in the friend zone, Cotton. Looking good.
Culturally Aware Brazilian Insult of the Day #3:
Meaning: Would you kindly excuse yourself from my presence and go to the most unpleasant place you possibly can, gentleman?